The time has come to ‘fess up. I have seen both the light, and the error of my ways. I may be (am, actually) a man of many faults, but the inability to see truth in myself is not among them. With that in mind, and with maximum respect to any that I may have offended, I offer a clear apology for being on the wrong side of history with regard to the following. Today is as good of a day as any to straighten up. Here goes.
Climate change is a hoax, equity is our most pressing social goal, everyone should respect your ability to self-identify any damned way that you please, vaccines are a scheme by big pharma to implant microchips in all of us, the earth is a flat disc, the moon landings were faked, FEMA imploded the WTC towers, there are UFO’s at area 51 (the anal probe is real), Democrat and Republican partisans are mostly wonderful people who just want what’s best for all of us (kind of like the Vorlons and Shadows on Babylon 5), green energy is unambiguously good - and promoting it is more important than preventing nuclear war.
CNN is journalistic integrity and they only run commercials to discourage those who are addicted from binge-watching. The New York Times ain’t woke - and members of it’s editorial board are actually great at math. Fox News really is fair and unbiased. Rachel Maddow is my hero, heroine, heroit - something like that. Disney ain’t woke either, and I’ll smite anyone who says otherwise with one of my kid’s light sabers.
Russian leaders aren’t bad - merely misunderstood, Kim Jong-un is a big old teddy bear (I got that straight from Rodman), Donald Trump did have the 2020 election stolen from him, the CIA killed Kennedy, Nikole Hannah-Jones is my new most favorite historian, Ted Cruz is the most forthright and courageous member of congress (especially when defending his wife), Will Smith did not assault Chris Rock at the Oscars, Rock was annoying Smith, and then ran his face into Smith’s hand - plus it was all choreographed and shot on a green screen somewhere else.
Colin Kaepernick is as good as Brady and is only out of the NFL because his ratio of talent to talk is upside down. Wait, is that right?
Finally, and I know that some of you will need to sit down when you see this, Bigfoot is real. Shall I fan you gently, so you don’t go into shock.
Happy April 1st, everyone.
Martin