The worst place in the world
I was there this morning.
I’m still on summer vacation, but I owe all of you a check-in, so here it is. I wish it was on a more pleasant topic.
When I last wrote, I was just embarking on my new journey in foster parenting. I’ve spent the bulk of the past two weeks getting a trial by fire in the Idaho child welfare system. Today, I spent one of the most miserable mornings of my life in juvenile court, where I watched a judge surgically dissect a large, dysfunctional family, making several children wards of the state. Some of those children now reside with myself and my kids. That’s the good news; the bad news is that I left a part of my soul on the courtroom floor—one of many, I’m sure—that got walked over, without notice, by the throngs of sad, desultory parents, children, social workers, attorneys, and foster parents, like me, who shuffled in and out all morning. It’s an assembly line of sadness.
I have little to say about the hearing itself: the barristers confabulated (massive respect if you get the literary reference), the witnesses spoke, and his honor dispensed. The judge was a good man, doing the best that he could within the law to deal with things that just should not happen. I also have a newfound respect for social workers who don’t get paid nearly enough to deal with this crap day in and day out. I briefly considered seppuku after the first hour.
None of the attorneys in this case covered themselves in anything close to glory (or competence). I have a feeling that family law attorneys are the bottom dwellers of the legal profession, regardless of their hourly rate. I would not have hired any of them to as much as carry a bottle of water across the street for me. I am also quite sure that I could have mounted a more aggressive defense of the parents (for whom I feel some sympathy; I don’t think they woke up one morning and suddenly decided to be screwups—life just has not been kind to them), and I know bupkis about the law.
What I do know is that a good parenting certificate obtained from the Interwebs isn’t likely to impress an already pissed-off judge when the state comes with enough evidence to fill a Ryder truck. I’m betting the bills will still go out tomorrow, though. John, Ilya, and Glenn, I love you guys. But I understand where Jack the Butcher was coming from. I could not do your job. Massive respect.
As a result, a few young children who’ve suffered greatly at the hands of adults who lack adulting skills (big time) have joined our family. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that they are currently safe and cared for by people who’ll watch out for them. We got their upcoming school year squared away, and then we spent the last few hours picking out toys and other things for them on Amazon. They haven’t quit eating since they got here.
I’m sorry that I haven’t gotten in a Science Friday for you paid subscribers in a couple of weeks, but I’ll try again this weekend (on cloud seeding). Let’s see how well the new kids settle in. Nothing about this is easy, for them or for us, but I think there are better days ahead. I promise that, come hell or high water, summer vacation is over in September and I’m back on my normal writing schedule. Buckle up. You think I’ve been ornery before; this experience has opened, for me, an entirely new jar of whoop-ass. A society that sucks the way that ours does at one of its most basic functions, taking care of kids, has some issues.
Right now, I have new kids to tuck in and read bedtime stories to. The good news is that they like jazz. I played this for them, which has a meaning of which they have just an inkling, on my guitar just before sending them to their rooms to go to bed. I think they kind of dug it. I sure hope that it ends up being true. It won’t be easy, but I ain’t scared.
Associated Press and Idaho Press Club-winning columnist Martin Hackworth of Pocatello is a physicist, writer, and retired Idaho State University faculty member who now spends his time with family, riding bicycles and motorcycles, and arranging and playing music. Follow him on Twitter @MartinHackworth, on Facebook at facebook.com/martin.hackworth, and on Substack at martinhackworthsubstack.com.
Hello: Thank you for sharing. A few words from an adoptive parent who had children already. The new child: children will not know all the “unspoken” family rules and family culture so to speak. They will by their experience be treated “differently”. Stick to your guns and remind your bio children that you treat them as individuals as well. Make sure you are not asking your bio children to alway accept or always forgive or always tolerate but to find ways to have compassion. There will be a shuffling of position and responsibilities and so on. I don’t know how long you will have the children for but your priority remains your wife and your bio children. Expressing love for them is not always interpreted as you likely intend it. Those who were responsible and failed likely expressed their love also so it just may not mean the same thing. We lost friendships over our adoption as our new child who was nine years old hurt a pet of another child. We did not tell everyone what was happening but there were consequences of which outsiders were aware and they interpreted this as unfair on our part. Others who came to babysit so we could go Christmas shopping for a few hours, who we warned that this new child in our family (about two weeks by the ) had a propensity to cheat at games and get very angry if losing. This was not a dig at the child- he had been told his value came from winning so he took it very personally - it was simply a fact to be aware of and to assist in navigating the time watching him. They later told us that they had to pull over on the drive home so the wife could throw up because she was so sickened by this idea that we already were mistreating him in their opinion. He’s now 33 years old and married and all in good stead with siblings. It was a long hard road and without his background of lead poisoning and orphanage neglect who knows what he would have done. The point being is to have realistic expectations, keep your cool and see things from your bio kids perspectives. They can say “this sounds great” or this is what we should do” but they possibly don’t really know to what they’re agreeing.
The other point is in another life situation we had a daughter who placed a baby for adoption and had to go to family court facility. You could not have described it better. The judge in our case lectured our daughter about all the state programs she could do just in case she wanted to change her mind after having agonized over this decision and all she suffered through to that point. The adoption agency was there for themselves and the guardian ad litem was there for the baby and no one was there for her. I was angry at the adoption agency, who had been this wonderful “friend” to our daughter in her mind, as they basically abandoned her at this critical juncture. I had asked if she should have a lawyer previous to this and they said it wasn’t necessary. I so wish she would have had her own counsel and her own advisor at her table as I could only watch from rear of courtroom as she sat alone and her shoulders heaved from onslaught after onslaught of this judge. This would likely not have happened if she had an attorney there telling the judge that he had made his client aware of all of this already. It was an awful day and an awful place and many of those who must interact there and conduct business there everyday do not earn enough. In this case the fish rots from the head down and things much change at that level before this portion will ever change.
You are a good man to do this, Martin. A good man.