Hello: Thank you for sharing. A few words from an adoptive parent who had children already. The new child: children will not know all the “unspoken” family rules and family culture so to speak. They will by their experience be treated “differently”. Stick to your guns and remind your bio children that you treat them as individuals as well. Make sure you are not asking your bio children to alway accept or always forgive or always tolerate but to find ways to have compassion. There will be a shuffling of position and responsibilities and so on. I don’t know how long you will have the children for but your priority remains your wife and your bio children. Expressing love for them is not always interpreted as you likely intend it. Those who were responsible and failed likely expressed their love also so it just may not mean the same thing. We lost friendships over our adoption as our new child who was nine years old hurt a pet of another child. We did not tell everyone what was happening but there were consequences of which outsiders were aware and they interpreted this as unfair on our part. Others who came to babysit so we could go Christmas shopping for a few hours, who we warned that this new child in our family (about two weeks by the ) had a propensity to cheat at games and get very angry if losing. This was not a dig at the child- he had been told his value came from winning so he took it very personally - it was simply a fact to be aware of and to assist in navigating the time watching him. They later told us that they had to pull over on the drive home so the wife could throw up because she was so sickened by this idea that we already were mistreating him in their opinion. He’s now 33 years old and married and all in good stead with siblings. It was a long hard road and without his background of lead poisoning and orphanage neglect who knows what he would have done. The point being is to have realistic expectations, keep your cool and see things from your bio kids perspectives. They can say “this sounds great” or this is what we should do” but they possibly don’t really know to what they’re agreeing.
The other point is in another life situation we had a daughter who placed a baby for adoption and had to go to family court facility. You could not have described it better. The judge in our case lectured our daughter about all the state programs she could do just in case she wanted to change her mind after having agonized over this decision and all she suffered through to that point. The adoption agency was there for themselves and the guardian ad litem was there for the baby and no one was there for her. I was angry at the adoption agency, who had been this wonderful “friend” to our daughter in her mind, as they basically abandoned her at this critical juncture. I had asked if she should have a lawyer previous to this and they said it wasn’t necessary. I so wish she would have had her own counsel and her own advisor at her table as I could only watch from rear of courtroom as she sat alone and her shoulders heaved from onslaught after onslaught of this judge. This would likely not have happened if she had an attorney there telling the judge that he had made his client aware of all of this already. It was an awful day and an awful place and many of those who must interact there and conduct business there everyday do not earn enough. In this case the fish rots from the head down and things much change at that level before this portion will ever change.
I have been a (free) subscriber for a few months now and honestly feel that this column is your most interesting. It’s about life and the good and the very bad. Real life. What takes place every single day. Defenseless children shuffled through a system because of potentially catastrophic parenting failures.
As a father of three, I have found parenting to be extremely complex and yet very simple at the same time. So easy as in teach respect, right from wrong, honesty and working for and toward something. Complex as in trying to keep out poor, destructive societal influences.
Hopefully there will be more of these kinds of columns. I’d love to read more about your experiences.
There are some kids I don't even know that I feel bad for, because their parents are so messed up. People I have worked with (gone now for reasons related to their generally making a mess of things), who go on and on about all their troubles, but have a million reasons why any constructive suggestion tentatively offered can't work. However, they raised so many red flags for setting up the children for various types of child abuse - messed up and abusive boyfriend with access to little daughter (not his), bringing in homeless person (as in a randomly met stranger) to provide pet and childcare in exchange for a roof while the mother worked nights, ... no wonder that one's ex-husband got full custody. I hope the kids don't end up in foster care, but it's so frustrating to hear parents making such horrible decisions.
Thanks for checking in. I wasn’t expecting to see anything from you for another few weeks. 😉 Again, thank you for being a foster parent; it is not for the faint of heart. I know religion is not your thang, but dare I say that you are being “Jesus in the flesh” to these little ones. 🙏🏾
I see some dude in sandals, robes and with long hair and a beatific presence walking down the street, he might have some 'splainin to do over these kids.;)
God bless you for taking in these children. And all the best wishes to every child caught in a shitty home that they find a path forward to a happy and successful life, whatever form it may take.
Way back in 1991, I had freshly embarked on my journey through the UofOr J-school. In early assignment required us to interview a Communications professional. I was already working in the school district, so it was fairly easy for me to connect with the PIO.
One of the required questions related to the greatest challenges the professional expects to face in the coming decade. She instantly responded, "Dealing with the consequences of people who have effectively abandoned the children they brought into this world."
Good on you for efforts to plug one small hole in the dam.
I’ve raised kids that weren’t mine. So tough but so worth it over the long term, both for them and me. I admire your energy and enthusiasm for an “old guy”! Best wishes.
Hello: Thank you for sharing. A few words from an adoptive parent who had children already. The new child: children will not know all the “unspoken” family rules and family culture so to speak. They will by their experience be treated “differently”. Stick to your guns and remind your bio children that you treat them as individuals as well. Make sure you are not asking your bio children to alway accept or always forgive or always tolerate but to find ways to have compassion. There will be a shuffling of position and responsibilities and so on. I don’t know how long you will have the children for but your priority remains your wife and your bio children. Expressing love for them is not always interpreted as you likely intend it. Those who were responsible and failed likely expressed their love also so it just may not mean the same thing. We lost friendships over our adoption as our new child who was nine years old hurt a pet of another child. We did not tell everyone what was happening but there were consequences of which outsiders were aware and they interpreted this as unfair on our part. Others who came to babysit so we could go Christmas shopping for a few hours, who we warned that this new child in our family (about two weeks by the ) had a propensity to cheat at games and get very angry if losing. This was not a dig at the child- he had been told his value came from winning so he took it very personally - it was simply a fact to be aware of and to assist in navigating the time watching him. They later told us that they had to pull over on the drive home so the wife could throw up because she was so sickened by this idea that we already were mistreating him in their opinion. He’s now 33 years old and married and all in good stead with siblings. It was a long hard road and without his background of lead poisoning and orphanage neglect who knows what he would have done. The point being is to have realistic expectations, keep your cool and see things from your bio kids perspectives. They can say “this sounds great” or this is what we should do” but they possibly don’t really know to what they’re agreeing.
The other point is in another life situation we had a daughter who placed a baby for adoption and had to go to family court facility. You could not have described it better. The judge in our case lectured our daughter about all the state programs she could do just in case she wanted to change her mind after having agonized over this decision and all she suffered through to that point. The adoption agency was there for themselves and the guardian ad litem was there for the baby and no one was there for her. I was angry at the adoption agency, who had been this wonderful “friend” to our daughter in her mind, as they basically abandoned her at this critical juncture. I had asked if she should have a lawyer previous to this and they said it wasn’t necessary. I so wish she would have had her own counsel and her own advisor at her table as I could only watch from rear of courtroom as she sat alone and her shoulders heaved from onslaught after onslaught of this judge. This would likely not have happened if she had an attorney there telling the judge that he had made his client aware of all of this already. It was an awful day and an awful place and many of those who must interact there and conduct business there everyday do not earn enough. In this case the fish rots from the head down and things much change at that level before this portion will ever change.
You are a good man to do this, Martin. A good man.
You, sir, are a prince among men. As Rabbi Hilel said: "He who saves one soul, saves the world entire"
Kudos from a fellow jazz guitarist (though not at the level of the dude in your video, Pat Metheny) 😊
I have been a (free) subscriber for a few months now and honestly feel that this column is your most interesting. It’s about life and the good and the very bad. Real life. What takes place every single day. Defenseless children shuffled through a system because of potentially catastrophic parenting failures.
As a father of three, I have found parenting to be extremely complex and yet very simple at the same time. So easy as in teach respect, right from wrong, honesty and working for and toward something. Complex as in trying to keep out poor, destructive societal influences.
Hopefully there will be more of these kinds of columns. I’d love to read more about your experiences.
There are some kids I don't even know that I feel bad for, because their parents are so messed up. People I have worked with (gone now for reasons related to their generally making a mess of things), who go on and on about all their troubles, but have a million reasons why any constructive suggestion tentatively offered can't work. However, they raised so many red flags for setting up the children for various types of child abuse - messed up and abusive boyfriend with access to little daughter (not his), bringing in homeless person (as in a randomly met stranger) to provide pet and childcare in exchange for a roof while the mother worked nights, ... no wonder that one's ex-husband got full custody. I hope the kids don't end up in foster care, but it's so frustrating to hear parents making such horrible decisions.
Thanks for checking in. I wasn’t expecting to see anything from you for another few weeks. 😉 Again, thank you for being a foster parent; it is not for the faint of heart. I know religion is not your thang, but dare I say that you are being “Jesus in the flesh” to these little ones. 🙏🏾
I see some dude in sandals, robes and with long hair and a beatific presence walking down the street, he might have some 'splainin to do over these kids.;)
God bless you for taking in these children. And all the best wishes to every child caught in a shitty home that they find a path forward to a happy and successful life, whatever form it may take.
Way back in 1991, I had freshly embarked on my journey through the UofOr J-school. In early assignment required us to interview a Communications professional. I was already working in the school district, so it was fairly easy for me to connect with the PIO.
One of the required questions related to the greatest challenges the professional expects to face in the coming decade. She instantly responded, "Dealing with the consequences of people who have effectively abandoned the children they brought into this world."
Good on you for efforts to plug one small hole in the dam.
a better world now. thanks
I’ve raised kids that weren’t mine. So tough but so worth it over the long term, both for them and me. I admire your energy and enthusiasm for an “old guy”! Best wishes.